Chimp’s Drug Fuelled Attack

Chimp That Mauled Woman Had Xanax In System
A chimpanzee that mauled a Connecticut woman had the anti-anxiety drug Xanax in its system, toxicology test results show, but it is unclear whether the chimp took the substance voluntarily or not. The attack points to similar tactics as those purportedly used by the “Old Man of the Mountain” as he sent the first assassins (hashish’ayns) to violently implement his political will. At Alamut, these foot soldiers were famously loyal to their leader, willingly jumping from the ramparts if commanded. If the nature of this attack signifies similar loyalty to the global gibbon government among NHPs it is further evidence that the monkey-menace to homo-erectus (and other life forms) will be more potent than currently imagined.

Keeping Tabs on Non Human Primate Combatants

Green-Glowing Monkeys Have Green-Glowing Babies

International moves to prevent seemingly inevitable large scale conflict between homo erectus and their NHP cousins are slowly reaping small dividends. Recently, Japanese researchers have genetically engineered monkeys whose hair roots, skin and blood glow green under a special light, and who have passed on their traits to their offspring, the first time this has been achieved. The researchers hope this will prove an invaluable tool in tracing and tracking known, or suspected, militant non-human-primates.

Apes as Other: Convenient Metaphor or Subconscious Political Economy

Our subconscious minds are built to attend to risk, and since the earliest of modern times, this steerer of decisions has associated fear and threats with a strategy of dehuminisation utilising comparison with apes. Thomas Jefferson wrote in his ‘Notes on the State of Virginia’ of sexual attraction between male orangutans and Negroe women; Hitler congratulated ‘Germanic’ Americans on their refusal to inter-marry with ‘half ape’ humans; and the New York times seemed to panic in its publication of the ‘Is it. is it not Obama?” cartoon (below) in the face of what the ‘unknown quantity’ that was a possible shift in real terms of the American polity. The classical interpretation of this pyscological – and very human tendency – is that fear of economic, social, or political upheaval requires the creation of an ‘other’ to maintain a status quo, whilst liberal rhetoric demands that the designated other is stripped of its status, and therefore rights, as of equal moral worth. But all established theories, like every sportsman, are only as good as their last performance, and this one needs to be put to back to the field.

Understanding the Beast: Models of Gibbon Governance

It has already been noted by scholars and primatologists that the current expansion of orchestrated attacks by the primate powers is the result of a settling down of political infighting within and across primate communinities. Heirachies have been settled, order established, and authority hardened into an unquestionable, capable, and secretive leadership. The very opposite of the process taking place within governments such as that in the United Kingdom, a fact which deepens the threat as human leaders become increasingly incapable of responding to crises.

To understand a threat is the best point of departure for combatting its effects, and so this brief discussion of primate political structures is intended to stimulate debate on the nature of the beast that grows fatter, more complex, more intelligent, and more daring, each day. Our conclusion, based on observations in primate societies and on patterns in violence,  is that global gibbon governance is most likely essentially federalist in character – with possible subsystems split along special cleavages – ruled with the iron, or should we say orange, fist of an orangutan Dictator-Queen.

 

Marmoset Spy Enters United States

The Federation of Gibbon Governance is infiltrating the world’s nations with highly trained micro-monkeys. Plane passengers aroused suspicion after spotted a monkey perched on a man’s ponytail in mid-flight.

The man smuggled the primate onto the plane by stashing it under his hat but it is as yet classified as to whether he was working for the Federation.

How to Survive a Monkey Attack

In light of increases in recent organised primate violence, wikihow offers a short guide in avoiding ape attacks. Please disseminate as widely as possible. War criminals and terrorists are always responsible for the pain they inflict, but prepration is the best self defence. Whether in the remote forests of Bali or in the backyard of some exotic animal dealer, or increasingly in your own backyard, you may encounter a monkey with indescriminate orders. To avoid bodily injury to yourself, read on for tips on how to protect yourself from any “unwanted” contact. Remember, monkeys have a unique muscular structure, and can possess up to 4 times the strength of the average man because of the amount of lactic acid in their blood.

Monkeys Initiate ‘Dirty War’

The Associated Press reports that wildlife officials claim a rhesus monkey known to throw feces when mad is on the loose in Tampa Bay. Authorities have been trying to capture the primate since Tuesday afternoon, but it managed to evade a bucket truck and tranquilizer dart.

This portents of a hardening line among military and politicos within gibbon circles, and represents the first use of biological gorilla warfare.

Visionary Media Response

The latest offering from Animal Planet is a clear response to the current global gibbon crisis. Based on the same Smithsonian Institute research as the primatewatch movement, it is visionary in scope and insight, predicting and depicting through the eyes of the ‘Black Claws’ and the ‘Temple Troop’ clans the first civil war into which monkeys and apes may likely descend after the elimination of current dominant civilisations.  Important as the first major media and artistic response to the changing set of international and inter-species relations, may our politicians take heed.

New Evidence

Rare evidence has been uncovered which shows that the current increases seen in primate-other violence is not quite the new phenomenon that primatewatchers once thought. Fortunately, in the days that this documentary evidence was produced, the primate leadership had not evolved to the extent that is has reached today. But why this tragically comic attack? Theorists surmise that at this time, the Grand Signifierape could not yet truly capture the realities of human political communications. The difference between apparent power – that of the circus artiste with adoring masses – and actual statesmen who yield the reins of economic, social, and political stabiliy was as yet opaque.  In this latest wave of violence our leaders may not be so lucky…

Young Primates Deeply Revolutionary

The BBC reports that the wave of violence is more prevalent among the young. Young rhesus macaques will not tolerate human beings in the same way that their elders do. Something is changing and quickly. These babies will be full adults in a matter of years. Write to your leaders to raise the issue.